It is Easter today and it brings me back to a time when I realized I was a believer in God. I am not highly religious, I may go to hell, I may be part Wicca but I do believe in God. Thankfully, my relationship with MY God has changed and blossomed into place beyond my comprehension or ability to articulate.
By the time I was eleven years old, I had spent four long years going to church every weekday at my private schools. I listened to the pastor, I sang the songs, I wrote poems about Jesus and I do believe this was a wonderful foundation to be built upon because there was neglect within my home.
But free will exists and I wanted the California State Flower so bad: The Golden Poppy. I struggled every day trying not to pick one but they were so beautiful even though it was against the law to take one for yourself.
My obsession with this flower grew as I walked home on Gainsborough -on my way home from school. It was a long walk and I did try to distract myself by not touching the cracks on the pavement or touching the cracks on the pavement and with singing and making up stories in my head: mainly distraction techniques.
But the day came. I could take it no longer. I wanted that flower! Waiting until no cars were around and no people, I went for it. I picked the Golden Poppy. And then fear set in. I ran and ran and ran as fast as I could in hopes that the police or the FBI would not catch me. I just needed to make it home and then I could hide this great sin. But I ran out of breath right as I turned off Gainsborough and overwhelming revelation overcame me. No matter what I do or say, or not say, wherever I go, I would not be able to hide from God.
“God knows.” I said to myself. “God knows you stupid idiot and God is mad at you.” And fear was replaced by guilt because I suddenly starting remember temptations that I could not withstand: stealing at the grocery store, not wearing underwear under my dress one day at school, running to the Oak’s Mall a thousand times when I was far too young to go alone and not being honest with my parents about these defects of character. Basically, I was doomed.
For many years I felt that guilt. I did not know how to undo what I had done. I had stopped going to church at that point and I just had to live with myself day after day.
But you know what? My concept of the Lord was off-target for a long time. I had a mean and angry God who condemned me in all ways, who would never forgive my ugly flower picking sin. But God is all-loving and has great mercy for anyone who seeks to do better. I learned this almost 20 years later. It doesn’t matter though. I learned it and I believe it in my heart.
So on this Happy Easter, have mercy for each other, for yourself and thank God for all the love he pours down unconditionally through the Savior Jesus Christ. I am grateful today. I am no longer confused and I have been given direction and many miracles from my loving God.
To all my readers: God bless and Happy Easter or Happy what ever religion you choose. It is all the same in the end.