Never Again

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Early in my life, I didn’t realize that I suffered from a severe form of generalized anxiety, but I did. Anxiety is not only mentally painful or emotionally painful, it also was physically painful.It was paralyzing to me and I would spend all day in bed unable to get up at all. But like always, I said nothing.

Therefore in the fall of 1985 when I had a dreaded procedure awaiting me I was crawling out of my skin knowing that all four wisdom needed to be pulled out. This would be my first surgery. Because I knew they needed to use anesthetics I was extremely afraid I would be part of the .0001 percent that never made it through. I penciled in my journal the night before if anything happens that I wanted my dad and my brother to know I loved them.

Well I am not sure how they did it but there is a strong likelihood the Oral and Maxillofacial surgeon used intravenous sedation to cause me to be in a twilight sleep. They told me I would remember nothing and I was pleased with that.

Somewhere between the beginning in the end, I could hear the doctor and the nurse talking about what they were doing Friday night. It appeared they were flirting and it struck me as odd that this conversation was so causal considering my life was at stake!

“Chelsea, open your eyes!” The flirty nurse said as the procedure wrapped up. Magically, I could see but I was out of it. Sylvia, aka Ramtha lover, picked me up after the procedure and I threw up all over her car. She was very kind and I felt her being nurturing to me.

This is when something seemingly innocent happened that became a great indicator of times to come. They had given be Percodan (like Percocet)and I immediately noticed that when I did not need it anymore I could not go to sleep without taking it.

Now…I knew very young that if I was to touch alcohol or any drugs that I would become an addict. It was just something very intuitive in my soul. I refused to touch anything that would lead me down the path of my father and many other relatives. Yet…I had a surgery and I had to take the pain medicine.

Well finally, I poured it down the toilet and said never again. To this day I will not ever declare “never again” once more. There is no “never again.” There is only today. Unfortunately the addict gene was sparked within me and there was no stopping it. This would become a life long struggle.

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