Since I did not know I was dealing with adversity, it was easy to go on and jump hurdle after hurdle. Tunnel vision can be a friend. Yet…one night I found myself daring to do something that was risky and generally out of my character. Of course, as a teenager, the belief that you are invincible is magnified exponentially.
My friends and I decided to try to LSD. Warning…if you think too much this is not your drug. I got it from my brother and we met him at Leo Carrillo to spend the night at the beach.
Instantly, all my brother’s friends started looking fuzzy to me. I observed them all on rocks near the ocean and because is was trendy to wear hats: they were all wearing some sort of baseball cap or another. I knew it was going to be a bad night when his friends began to morph into little penguins. I kept quiet. But I was scared.
Then the cops show up. We are all asked to leave. Since I always thought of myself as the hero, I jumped into the driving seat and took off with my friends and Jason in the car. We took the back way home past Camarillo Mental State Hospital and we saw a man lurking on a windy rode as we suddenly turned the corner and we all screamed.
Not good. The drug was hitting me hard. Finally we decided to go my house.
At that point my house was very gloomy. Jason, my dad and I all had locks on the doors but the rest of the house was dirty and had little lights. The appliances worked sparingly and it wasn’t a place I used to bring friends.
I went into my brother’s room and finally understood what was happening while viewed each psychedelic picture planted on his wall. I felt his unhappiness and I felt my own.
We decided we needed air to smoke and headed to the wall in my backyard that overlooked Lynn Road. It was then that I had the most important revelation of my life. “I was alone.”
My dad was crashed upstairs in his room, tired from many nights of working odd hours and all I wanted to do is jump in bed with my “daddy.” And then the mind blowing reality hit me hard. I could never go upstairs to my daddy. I couldn’t then and I hadn’t been able to ever to before. He loved me but he was wrestling his own demons. The truth was if I was going to make anything of my life it was all on me. Period.
I had been living some delusion that I had support from my family and I did in a fiscal way. But I was going to sink hard if I stayed in Thousand Oaks with my family. Therefore a month or so later I moved out.
The day I left I hurried fast so the pain of leaving would not catch up with my decision to go. It was the second time I saw my dad cry. The first was at his father’s funeral. I was surprised. I didn’t want to hurt him and I had been parentified ever since the divorce so my presence in the house would create a tremendous void.
But I had to go and I did. I ended up moving to Santa Barbara and it was a lot of fun. And I completely took care of myself and that felt very good for my self esteem. Still…I missed my family and had tremendous guilt about abandoning them. However, it was time. I needed to be successful and a new journey began that was extremely incredible where I grew considerably and worked hard and played hard for five years.