Could it be ME?

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You enter the room again. You know you have to wait. You are just a number in a line. The doctor finally comes in and recommends another doctor and this pattern continues for 10 years. Your pain is insignificant to the giant medical beast. Your theories are trivial in the three minute intervals the doctor is allowed to spend with you. And you are left frustrated, hopeless and depressed.

But imagine…why are you having so many health problems? It is not old age…you are far too young still you are constantly seeing an onslaught of doctors, taking far too medications and  you find yourself having a surgery every year and a half for ten years.  There is a reason. And the reason is you.

You don’t go out to make problems for yourself. These problems are so embedded in your psyche that they are totally unknown to you. Yet they manifest. They must find a way to be freed from your heart and your mind therefore they creep up like some unwanted weed in what was once a beautiful garden. A place where you played and you loved. All the while, you have been depressed since the beginning of your toddler years.

And this is where I stand. Finally, after ten years of major surgeries and a lifetime of self medication I realized  the doctor can fix the symptom. But I am the problem.

Fear of abandonment takes someones heart and leaves it guarded; unable to accept love because your walls are too thick from the pain of yesterday. In fact, if I look closer, I see there is a pattern of people and experiences that I still dwell on as if they were happening now. Even if I was the person who left the friendship or relationship or vice versa, I struggle with people moving on without me. I struggle so much I make myself sick.

I am suggesting that anyone with chronic health issues consider that it may come from inside our brains and not our body. We all have a certain amount of energy we yield. We have the capability to change what form that energy takes through our actions, through how we love and to what degree to we love ourselves.

If you look closely, you might dislike yourself a lot more than you realized.  Although, this is a misinterpretation of the real you, it becomes part of you because you believe it. Plus your actions show it. But denial is very strong within us and we place labels in the wrong places.

My  great epiphany came when my friend wrote to me to discuss my upcoming total hip replacement surgery. Many months before he had a total hip replacement as well and we both agreed we had a propensity for yummy painkillers. He said not worry and he would get back to me. On the same day  I left the hospital after my total hip replacement I learned that he died in a drug related accident.

This was so painful to hear. And I grieved for sometime. I kept trying to wrap my brain around it and I knew it was drug related. I kept thinking , this could be you.  Yet I rationalized over and over again”I know I like pain killers but I am not having surgeries on purpose. The pain is real. There is solid evidence to support my need for the operations.” This was a thought that had twirled around my brain for several years. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I receive some message. It is you. You are making yourself sick. But I did not know why.

Instantly, I began to listen instead of think. I let a few walls down and felt an absorbent amount of pain I carried within me. In fact, it was too much and I needed to deal with it in doses. The answer would come…I was sure.

I began discussing this a few doctors who did listen to me. They agreed with me and they wished more patients could see their health difficulties for what they were instead of looking for the fix.

And I share this now because I believe I have found my reason. I was neglected as a child, my mother left our family when I was ten, I had some people cut me off from our relationships in my teens and early twenties and my father’s death was a form of abandonment that still seems beyond repair.In fact from that moment on my health became in decline. I see know coincidences.

Additionally,  I recognized long ago that I try to tap to someone’s tune before they even know they had one. It was highly important to me that a  person would like me and eventually depend on me. I do not share these examples to blame someone because that would be useless. I am saying these are facts; no one bears responsibility.

And just when I thought it was over, I had to have an abdominal hysterectomy.  But this time I suspected ulterior reasons. I spoke with a spiritual advisor and she listened to my theories and all of sudden she asked if I had ever been raped. I thought for a second and two repressed memories emerged.

I did have two situations where I could not be sure if it was rape or not. The first time, I was already making out with this guy for a few days but one night he was going full forward and I kept saying no, no, no. But he did it anyway and he never spoke to me again. On another occasion several years later I was screwing around with an old boyfriend. We always used condoms but one night I passed out and he had sex with me in my sleep with no protection leaving me pregnant and alone. I never looked at it as rape because I knew I had put myself in risky situations but I did not agree to either sexual encounter. And the hardest thing for me to bear was that a person would do that to me and leave. (Back to the initial issue of abandonment.)

She had me scream to the top of my lungs practicing some sort of primal therapy. And I screamed and I cried and I hit a pillow trying to heal. It was amazing to me that i held those two events I held in my reproductive system for more than 20 years. And then I felt free.

Today, I have a long way to go to get my health at normal levels. I have gained a huge amount of weight,  I have trouble walking and I am sleepy most of the time. But with baby-steps I will be back. The baby-steps are what it takes to show myself that I matter. I will have to fight the indifference and pain that I allow to be parasites in my body. But I will fight. I will fight to live and I will fight to live well. It is a blessing that I was able to be totally honest with myself for just one moment of clarity. I foresee other moments in the future.

The END

 

 

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “Could it be ME?

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