Too Sexy for Myself

shelleys wedding


Nobody likes to hear that there is more to life than sex. Especially the people with whom you have had sex.  Most men will tell me that I have not had the right sex. Most women will look at me in disbelief as if this thought never entered their mind. But I am here to tell you there is much more to life than the act of inserting body parts into each other for pleasure and pain.

This revelation came to me at just at the right time. Every part of my life was devoted to being sexual: from the clothes I wore, to the music to which I listened and to every person in which I said “hello.” Some aspect of sex was always involved.  I feared being unattractive to a point that I took desperate measures to maintain my looks. I snorted stimulants to stay thin. I worked out two hours a day. I flirted and giggled and performed acts of lust in hopes to be asked again. None of it was for me. I was at the whim and call of societies’ message that I was worthless unless I cared about sex.

Now human beings are mammals. We instinctual need to procreate. That is part of our survival. But have you ever considered that being sexual is so ingrained in our culture for someone else to make money? Do the big corporations want us to be fat and happy? No. They advertise sex as a means to reach our mammalian brains. They hit us wear it counts. In our groin.

What if there was more? Dare I even say that? Well, one day I was in a gas station getting a latte grieving over a relationship that had not ended but could. I wanted this man to love me so much that I was willing to sacrifice everything I dreamed about so he would have me.

Of course, we already had sex. That is an obvious third-date occurrence! But to keep him, I needed to juice it up a bit. I had doorway sex, car sex, BJ in the car sex, outside sex, in the shower sex, rub my own nipples sex from the back, from the front sometimes sideways and always on top. But he just did not like me. He stayed with me. Maybe for the sex. But he was negative and put me down often. He sanctioned my writing skills to oblivion and told me that I was too clingy.

The truth is I did not offer anything to him but sex because I did not have anything else to offer. I had not cultivated different interests. I had no real ambitions. I did not like myself and I feared someday no one would ever want to have sex with me again. I feared I was going to be left alone with me.

But what happened in that gas station changed me. All of sudden I had an epiphany. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN ROMANTIC LOVE AND SEX. Could it be true? If it was true I felt great relief. I took a step back and contemplated what else existed. History, music, friendship, deep talks, small talk, nature, children, kindness, gravity, space and all that exists that we cannot see but know is there.

From that day forward, I paid attention to my intentions. I made sure that I made decisions based on my passions, my best interest and for good old fashion love. I continued in that relationship for many years. In fact, the more I became free of my sexualization and willingness to be objectified, the more he liked me. More importantly, I liked me, consistently, every day.

So, I pass no judgment to those who do believe sex is the best thing in the world. Maybe they have had better sex than me? It does not matter. What is interesting to me is how many feathers are ruffled just by mentioning sex on a continuum with other important things in life rather than it being the number one part of life that counts.

I have seen death and I have seen love. I have given birth and I have returned to being a writer after a 20-year hiatus. I have traveled and I have lived in many places. I have spoken to thousands of people and I enjoyed them all. I would not give up any of those experiences. But I would give up sex if I had to choose between them. That is just me. Want to date?

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