The Opposite of Disappointment is Satisfaction

sacral chakra

 

My heart and my mind are ruled by disappointment. I did not know this until a few day ago, but now that I do I feel a spiritual resurrection inside my body.

I must begin when I was the age 30 years old.  I had a dream where I entered a halfway house and the whole room was wall to wall orange. All the furniture was a glowing 70’s orange and I heard on the radio a chorus of 1000’s of angels. Then I woke up.

In reality, the halfway house was called The House of Hope and I was actually trying to be accepted there due to my heavy alcoholism and the fact that I had lost everything. In such places that offer treatment and a place to live, a person must call daily to prove that they are committed to the program. And I called everyday. But there were no beds.

After a few days, I decided to walk in and personally meet the staff. Before I left, I turned to my friend and said I just want to see if it is orange. When I walked up to the gate, much to my surprise, two orange chairs were placed on the sidewalk outside the gate to give to the poor. For some people this may mean nothing, but it was the first bit of hope I had felt in many years.

Of course, the years passed and I always wondered if the color orange meant God or was it just a coincidence. I could not shake this question and the question continued to be unanswered. However, the other day I came across a post about chakras and I googled which chakra represented the color orange. It was the Sacral Chakra and this information delighted me while it never really gave me any answers.

The next night, my son could not sleep and I laid awake for most of the night: thinking and thinking as all good insomniacs do.

I began thinking about my mom and I realized I am not angry with her. I accept her for who she is. But I was extremely disappointed. I was disappointed that she left me at a young age. I was disappointed at the cruel actions she had taken against me over the years. And especially, I was disappointed that when I needed her most, she failed me and never apologized.

But it went further than that. I was disappointed that most of my family was deceased due to their own choices.  I was disappointed at friends who hurt me. I was disappointed at the way the country is in a  civil war over politics. I could go on and on.

However, what was important was the question of how I dealt with being disappointed.  The answer was that I did not deal with it. I shut down. I would never let it show I was hurt. There was my wall! I had always wondered what my wall was exactly. I knew I had walls but I did not know what they were on any deep level.

So what happens when I repress my feelings? Overtime they begin to manifest somewhere else. Additionally, when I feel I have disappointed someone else I become triggered and spin out of  control believing the person I disappointed feels as hurt as I do about even the slightest issue. This feeling of guilt also remains in my body.

And for once in my life, I felt all the repression being released from my body due to this awareness. Lightness began to encapsulate my soul at 3am in the morning. I felt relieved and grateful and I felt hope and love.

Of course I had no idea how to change this pattern that was so ingrained in me after all these years. I thought about calling up all the people that  disappointed in some way, even if it was 25 years ago. That did not seem wise. I prayed God may remove this defect of character. I wondered if I just started being truthful when I was disappointed from this point on, my life would improve. I truly had no idea.

So….I looked up what chakra held disappointment. And there it was. The Orange Sacral Chakra. I couldn’t believe it. And my thoughts drifted back to how my repression manifested in my body. It did not take long to realize at my Sacral chakra line I have had three back surgeries, two hip replacements, a hysterectomy and a c-section. Hmmm. That seemed pretty significant.

Now I understood that disappointment made me stuck. But what was the opposite of disappointment? I really didn’t know. The answer was satisfaction. This idea of “satisfaction” was quite foreign to me. I always perceived things as going wrong. Go figure! My disappointment also contributed to feeling majorly depressed and  becoming extreme anxious.

The unhealthy way to deal with it was addiction and not taking care of one’s self. BUT the way to satisfaction was self care and being rooted in creativity. I was pretty sure I can do that if I wanted to feel what satisfaction brings.

So I am writing this blog on this holy day, thinking about the color orange and God and how I can be creative and decided to share it with the world. The only way to be true to one self is through exposing my brokeness.  And I plan on aligning with my truth any way I can.

Thank you for reading.

Not Today

the sun is coming for you

 

When the Jehovah’s Witness’s came to my door, I did not mind. The only problem was that I was going to be late for work. I apologized and let them know that I could not talk at that moment. The older gentlemen said he understood.

“Well you have to go to work!” He exclaimed

“No, I don’t.” I answered and he returned with a puzzled look.

“Well, you have to work. You have to make money!!”

“No, I don’t have to do anything. I choose to everything I do in life.”

I stumped him. How was it I didn’t have to work? How could I think I could choose everything (within reason) if I did not have anyone else supplying my income?

So…he argued some more. “You need to make money. You need to eat.”

“No, I choose to make money and I choose to eat.” I declared.

“Well, what do you mean?” He asked politely.

I do not think he was ready for my honest and rare outlook on life.  Therefore, I should not have been so stunned to see the look on his face when I answered.

“I can always kill myself.” I stated without hesitation. I do not remember what happened next but I do know he came to visit more often.

Now, I know this seems like a strange way to view one’s life. Every species on this planet is making diligent attempts to stay alive. I get that. But for some reason, I needed to know that if it ever got to be too much, I could end it all.

There are others like me. They are sitting right next to you. We just don’t talk about it. People with suicide ideation are far more common than people realize. It would come to me in waves, throughout most of my life. I just did not want to live. It hurt too much.

Although, I seemed like the most happy person in the room and I really was not faking that, it is just, a person with suicidal tendencies’ brain will switch involuntary at the most inconvenient times.

For instance, I produced and hosted my own cable access show. Six months of rigorous planning matched with an incredible team allowed me to fulfill this crazy dream. I worked so hard. Day and night. I spent thousands of dollars to train the team, buy furniture, take potential guests to lunch or coffee and anything else it would take to create a wonderful show.

The show went well. We had a lot of fun and although, it was less David Lettermanish than I planned, it was a good solid attempt at modeling what the superpowers of media do everyday.

The next day, I wanted to die. I sat in my backyard in a lawn chair, chain smoking, trying to convince myself to stay alive.

I always thought pills were a great way out but I found out hanging is the surest bet. But that day, I made it through by sobbing, thinking and praying that if I could just get some sleep that tomorrow would be better. Luckily, tomorrow was better and this, indeed, did pass.

But this has happened to me so many times. However, my outlook has changed.

My dad replied when I told him of my great suicide epiphany, that it made sense, but it changes when you have children. I did not believe him. I am quite sure now that he agreed with my epiphany. Usually these things are genetic.

Unfortunately, having a child was not enough but it sure helped. What I found was that I had to know in my deepest part of my being that I could survive anything and that required a great amount of maturity on my part to begin to actually take the actions to assure my survival. Actions such as making money again. Or taking back my health.  I began to accept that I will always have to tolerate and endure some merciless anxiety and I started to live “in” love instead of trying to be loved by everyone with whom I came into contact.

Now..note…I still struggled. I married a psychiatrist for goodnesss sake!! There are no coincidences when it comes to life and death. And with a loving, accepting partner, I felt safe to explore my vulnerability. I did not need the comfort of knowing I could end it all at any time, on my terms, anymore.

Life is truly about relationships. They matter. The relationship with yourself matters. Self-care is paramount but not readily taught. We are an ego-driven, I-need-the-next-fix society. But it does not have to be that way.

I am a better person because I had to try to love myself more. The very act that I thought was the ultimate sin was what carries me through my days. That… and God.

If only, I could find that nice Jehovah’s Witness and let him know I did have to go to work now and eat and make money. I could tell him to not worry that I know I am not free to choose anything except to choose how to live and react to whatever comes my way.

 

Mastication

I have never been a big eater. But after my surgeries created an inability to move around, the pounds packed on. I could not understand it. I did not eat poorly. I did not eat in excess. But, my trim body counted on me always moving. When that was taken away…I did not know what to do.

Where did I go wrong?

I am a fast-eater who does not chew my food properly. Or in scientific terms, I do not masticate long enough. Masticate means to chew.One must chew food slowly in order to not gain weight. Plus fast eating is linked with obesity. But most people do not know why. The science behind it isn’t simple. At least not for me. But it’s all about the brain and a little receptor called ghrelin.

When ghrelin is activated, hunger pangs follow. For some people, hunger pangs can be very painful. The stomach rubs against itself, triggering a pain response that can only be satisfied with food. The trick is to eat the food that actually takes time to break down without an accompaniment of water or other beverages.

Why? The breaking down of food requires energy and or a metabolic response that assures our brain that we are getting enough. The longer the it takes for the breakdown to occur the more likely a person is to not overeat. Furthermore, chewing also takes energy and activates synapses in the brain signal being full.

In the beginning of the 20th century chewing was the fad. There were ads about masticating all over the newspapers.  But it soon was replaced by calorie cutting. Now, our aisles are covered in protein bars, shakes, bottles of water and pills to lose weight. But this will never truly work because diet food does not make a person’s body work hard. It does not signal to the brain any long-time feelings of being full.

In fact, research shows that a person who chews their food longer will eat 11.5 % less over a year’s period. If you are 200 pounds that is over 20 lbs gone. Add eating real food that makes your body work hard to break it down while increasing energy and weight loss and losing weight will become much less painful. And…deprivation may be the newest fad  to exit our news-feed.

All I know is this…I lost 24 pounds in one month because I chose to eat whole foods and chew longer. I still had a little ice cream or a dessert every day. I could not really exercise due to being in chronic pain. But I watched the pounds peel off.

Now…please note. I am over weight. The first twenty pounds is going to be easier for me to lose than someone who is trying to lose the last twenty pounds. But…it was not a painstaking process. And that for me is the key.

In the end, diet food is a scam. If one learns the art of mastication, eating food will become a joy again and not something to of which to feel guilty all the time! J