Too Sexy for Myself

shelleys wedding


Nobody likes to hear that there is more to life than sex. Especially the people with whom you have had sex.  Most men will tell me that I have not had the right sex. Most women will look at me in disbelief as if this thought never entered their mind. But I am here to tell you there is much more to life than the act of inserting body parts into each other for pleasure and pain.

This revelation came to me at just at the right time. Every part of my life was devoted to being sexual: from the clothes I wore, to the music to which I listened and to every person in which I said “hello.” Some aspect of sex was always involved.  I feared being unattractive to a point that I took desperate measures to maintain my looks. I snorted stimulants to stay thin. I worked out two hours a day. I flirted and giggled and performed acts of lust in hopes to be asked again. None of it was for me. I was at the whim and call of societies’ message that I was worthless unless I cared about sex.

Now human beings are mammals. We instinctual need to procreate. That is part of our survival. But have you ever considered that being sexual is so ingrained in our culture for someone else to make money? Do the big corporations want us to be fat and happy? No. They advertise sex as a means to reach our mammalian brains. They hit us wear it counts. In our groin.

What if there was more? Dare I even say that? Well, one day I was in a gas station getting a latte grieving over a relationship that had not ended but could. I wanted this man to love me so much that I was willing to sacrifice everything I dreamed about so he would have me.

Of course, we already had sex. That is an obvious third-date occurrence! But to keep him, I needed to juice it up a bit. I had doorway sex, car sex, BJ in the car sex, outside sex, in the shower sex, rub my own nipples sex from the back, from the front sometimes sideways and always on top. But he just did not like me. He stayed with me. Maybe for the sex. But he was negative and put me down often. He sanctioned my writing skills to oblivion and told me that I was too clingy.

The truth is I did not offer anything to him but sex because I did not have anything else to offer. I had not cultivated different interests. I had no real ambitions. I did not like myself and I feared someday no one would ever want to have sex with me again. I feared I was going to be left alone with me.

But what happened in that gas station changed me. All of sudden I had an epiphany. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN ROMANTIC LOVE AND SEX. Could it be true? If it was true I felt great relief. I took a step back and contemplated what else existed. History, music, friendship, deep talks, small talk, nature, children, kindness, gravity, space and all that exists that we cannot see but know is there.

From that day forward, I paid attention to my intentions. I made sure that I made decisions based on my passions, my best interest and for good old fashion love. I continued in that relationship for many years. In fact, the more I became free of my sexualization and willingness to be objectified, the more he liked me. More importantly, I liked me, consistently, every day.

So, I pass no judgment to those who do believe sex is the best thing in the world. Maybe they have had better sex than me? It does not matter. What is interesting to me is how many feathers are ruffled just by mentioning sex on a continuum with other important things in life rather than it being the number one part of life that counts.

I have seen death and I have seen love. I have given birth and I have returned to being a writer after a 20-year hiatus. I have traveled and I have lived in many places. I have spoken to thousands of people and I enjoyed them all. I would not give up any of those experiences. But I would give up sex if I had to choose between them. That is just me. Want to date?

The Anthem of the Wild Woman

Don’t compromise yourself, you are all you got.                                                                          Janis Joplin

This is the commencement of your daughter’s undying right to be loud and be heard. We scoff at the notion that women should be taught to be quiet; to play nice. It is time for our girls to take back their power and counterbalance societies’ messages with feminine prowess. We are the dreamers and the shakers and the beauties of the soul. We are the voices behind the music. Our power is recognized and intrinsically cultivated into the rhythm of the beat.

We are every shade of women. Using music metaphorically to encapsulate the pulse beneath our breath, our girls will cast a shadow over pervasive attempts to be silenced. There is no victory and there is no defeat. We just play our music. Together, united. We write our own rules into existence by tapping into the parts of ourselves that refuse to die.

Let me live out loud by beckoning all that is creative within me to the forefront of my life. I am my own power. I am my own song. I do not need to cooperate, hesitate or speculate what others may think. I know they want me to be quiet. But I have something to say and something to prove to myself. And I know that I will find my truth in the hallways of my mind and in the fluttering of my heart.

Women before me have paved the way until this point. It is my turn to love and to feel and to recognize that the repressive nature of being born the “wrong” sex does indeed exist. If it is wrong so be it. I will not change who I am to please you anymore. I hear the laughter of my own soul echoing through my beautiful body. I pound sharply on my own chest to rescue the sounds of my maiden cry. I am my own hero and villain. I do not need you tell me who I am.

The darkness with me will be courted. I am not afraid. That darkness is only a mirror of the thousand times I rejected myself for someone else’s pleasure. Bear witness to the light that fulfills its own self in me. That light shines gloriously when free from conventional thought. Do not doubt its presence. It is as real as me.

Together, my sisters and I will rock to the vibrational patterns that is woman. We do not twerk. We Headbang. We dance and we sing and we laugh and we cry. That is our truth. Our power is bigger than the lies I was told. We share the beauty of the world in each of our loving hands. Attached to each other forever in the symbolism that is SHE.

When you awaken the inner warrior in your daughter there will be no mistaking all that she has become from empowering her. She will be forever yours but she is yours by choice and not by situation. She is her own context. And we believe in her. It is time for her to be introduced into the limelight and dwell deep into the glory of being an authentic version of herself.

I found every shade of me on this stage. I bathe in my own essence. I will no longer relinquish my power. The days were long but full of meaning. And I will look back on this time and thank you for giving me the chance to bask in my own glory. I will always be your daughter. But now I am my own woman.


I have never been a big eater. But after my surgeries created an inability to move around, the pounds packed on. I could not understand it. I did not eat poorly. I did not eat in excess. But, my trim body counted on me always moving. When that was taken away…I did not know what to do.

Where did I go wrong?

I am a fast-eater who does not chew my food properly. Or in scientific terms, I do not masticate long enough. Masticate means to chew.One must chew food slowly in order to not gain weight. Plus fast eating is linked with obesity. But most people do not know why. The science behind it isn’t simple. At least not for me. But it’s all about the brain and a little receptor called ghrelin.

When ghrelin is activated, hunger pangs follow. For some people, hunger pangs can be very painful. The stomach rubs against itself, triggering a pain response that can only be satisfied with food. The trick is to eat the food that actually takes time to break down without an accompaniment of water or other beverages.

Why? The breaking down of food requires energy and or a metabolic response that assures our brain that we are getting enough. The longer the it takes for the breakdown to occur the more likely a person is to not overeat. Furthermore, chewing also takes energy and activates synapses in the brain signal being full.

In the beginning of the 20th century chewing was the fad. There were ads about masticating all over the newspapers.  But it soon was replaced by calorie cutting. Now, our aisles are covered in protein bars, shakes, bottles of water and pills to lose weight. But this will never truly work because diet food does not make a person’s body work hard. It does not signal to the brain any long-time feelings of being full.

In fact, research shows that a person who chews their food longer will eat 11.5 % less over a year’s period. If you are 200 pounds that is over 20 lbs gone. Add eating real food that makes your body work hard to break it down while increasing energy and weight loss and losing weight will become much less painful. And…deprivation may be the newest fad  to exit our news-feed.

All I know is this…I lost 24 pounds in one month because I chose to eat whole foods and chew longer. I still had a little ice cream or a dessert every day. I could not really exercise due to being in chronic pain. But I watched the pounds peel off.

Now…please note. I am over weight. The first twenty pounds is going to be easier for me to lose than someone who is trying to lose the last twenty pounds. But…it was not a painstaking process. And that for me is the key.

In the end, diet food is a scam. If one learns the art of mastication, eating food will become a joy again and not something to of which to feel guilty all the time! J